Experts have today released a shocking announcement that farm animals may all be extinct in the near future if the current spread of Veganism continues unabated. Continue reading “Vegans Are Trying To Make Animals Extinct, Warn Experts.”
“A cow trapped inside a man’s body, that’s how I feel,” said the Galway man in a mooving tone. Continue reading “Galway Man Thinks He’s A Cow, Demands Respect”
No, not a cat, just a very feeble “man” with feminist tendencies as evidenced by his desire to support the newly founded charity called The Irish Alliance Of Women Against Men. Continue reading “Pussy Plans To Run Ten Marathons In Ten Years For Feminist Charity”
“There’s a war coming,” says John Joe O’Connor, “a battle-of the sexes and it will not stop until every single man is obliterated from existence.” Continue reading “Rise of the Feminators”
This is Mary. After exhausting all of the men in her office and neighbourhood, she decided to open her mind to online dating.
“There’s billions of men in the world,” she realised, “and when I had this epiphany I knew that technology was going to be the only possible way I would find ‘the one’.” Continue reading ““I Fell in Love With his Smile,” says Tinder Victim.”
Last night we at the Galway COW conducted a scientific experiment to see if there was, in fact, any issues with drugging and driving or whether the government campaign to stop people doing it is simply a load of old exaggerated codswallop designed to stop people having a bit of craic while doing a few laps around town.
We teamed up with NUIG science professor Dr Strangefellow for the purposes of seeing EXACTLY what happens when someone drives on these illegal substances. The technique, a delicate one, involved inserting a nano-sized surveillance camera behind the drugged up driver’s eyeballs so as to capture how things looked for him as he drove around. Continue reading “Drugging and Driving in Galway”
“All women are entitled to big breasts,” says respected Reiki specialist, Zach Powers, and adds, “I believe God meant it to be that way.”
Mr Powers claims to have successfully performed dozens of successful augmentations on local women who are said to be “very pleased” with the results.
When asked how the technique works, he said, “It’s simply a matter of freeing up the blocked energy channels to the breast tissues so as they can assume their natural size and shape.” Continue reading “Local Reiki Specialist Successfully Performs Breast Augmentations”
“I care about my clients,” she said, while sipping from a €200-a-glass flute of Salon Blanc de Blancs Le Mesnil-sur-Oger(a VERY fancy Champagne), “and that is why it’s important for me to have the best night’s sleep I can get. The best way to serve my clients is to make sure my life outside work is a relative utopia.”
The solicitor, who cannot be named for legal reasons (the COW doesn’t want to be sued, what with the price of grass these days!) said, on the subject of her €2,000,000 yacht which bobs around idle in the docks most of the year, “I don’t use the boat much, what with the weather in this country, but it’s comforting to know that I have it for the occasional excursion into the bay.” Continue reading “Local Solicitor Sleeps “Very Well” in Expensive Bed Bought from Clients’ Pain and Suffering”
Members of the public are advised to be on red alert this evening as a member of the public has contacted us here at the Galway COW in relation to a bunch of potential racist perverts he overheard meticulously planning what sounded like a highly organised activity.
The group, we have been told, were talking in detail about “flashing” and complaining that the “white balance” and “contrast” wasn’t right and that they planned “to work on that” so as to “improve things”. This, the public member told us, sounded very distressing. Continue reading “Public Alert: Racist Perverts Overheard in City Centre Pub?”
It has been scientifically proven by leading experts in the field of Treeology that humans are, in fact, evolved from trees.
Dr Treesdum of the Scientific Institute of Treeology explained his theory at a recent conference in Treeburg. According to him, all character flaws are not in fact flaws, but are all rooted in how far evolved from trees that each individual is. To illustrate this, he states, “ADHD is not actually a medical condition that needs to be treated with highly toxic drugs, but is actually a branch of evolutionary progress which, in times long past, was essential to mankind’s progression from trees in the depths of African jungles into people in the Northern Hemisphere.” He explains, “Some people, like trees, are forever rooted to the same spot and are excellent candidates for factory work, shop work, office work, or any other job that effectively requires that a person stay in the same place for extended periods of time.” He went on, “The roots of what we call ADHD may have actually been a genetic mutation which triggered trees to shed their roots and explore further in their environment. There can be no doubt that this evolution led to the discovery of America, Australia, and basically anywhere else on earth that isn’t Africa.”
When asked to elaborate further, he said, “While the ADHD gene caused trees, and subsequently people, to uproot themselves and explore other countries, it is now of a somewhat problematic nature since the furthest regions of the world are now overpopulated and it’s now more evolutionarily advantageous to carry the gene for being rooted to the spot, since most modern means of survival involve this kind of stationary existence.” He stressed, “ADHD is not a medical condition to be treated with drugs but one which needs to be understood as something which evolution, at one point, favoured.”
When asked where his crazy theory originated, he said, “When I began my studies in biology, I was startled by how visually similar the branches of nerves and lung tissue were to trees which had lost all of their leaves. They say trees are ‘the lungs of the earth’ and it’s hardly a coincidence, but we now know that the truth is so much more than this.”
He concluded by saying, “While the current state of the world is difficult for people with ADHD, such people should not lose hope, ” he continued, “ADHD will again become a crucial part of human evolution, and afflicted persons will no doubt be perfect candidates for space exploration.”