Local Reiki Specialist Successfully Performs Breast Augmentations

reiki-hands“All women are entitled to big breasts,” says respected Reiki specialist, Zach Powers, and adds, “I believe God meant it to be that way.”

Mr Powers claims to have successfully performed dozens of successful augmentations on local women who are said to be “very pleased” with the results.

When asked how the technique works, he said, “It’s simply a matter of freeing up the blocked energy channels to the breast tissues so as they can assume their natural size and shape.” Continue reading “Local Reiki Specialist Successfully Performs Breast Augmentations”

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Local Solicitor Sleeps “Very Well” in Expensive Bed Bought from Clients’ Pain and Suffering

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“I care about my clients,” she said, while sipping from a €200-a-glass flute of Salon Blanc de Blancs Le Mesnil-sur-Oger(a VERY fancy Champagne), “and that is why it’s important for me to have the best night’s sleep I can get. The best way to serve my clients is to make sure my life outside work is a relative utopia.”

The solicitor, who cannot be named for legal reasons (the COW doesn’t want to be sued, what with the price of grass these days!) said, on the subject of her €2,000,000 yacht which bobs around idle in the docks most of the year, “I don’t use the boat much, what with the weather in this country, but it’s comforting to know that I have it for the occasional excursion into the bay.” Continue reading “Local Solicitor Sleeps “Very Well” in Expensive Bed Bought from Clients’ Pain and Suffering”

Public Alert: Racist Perverts Overheard in City Centre Pub?

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Members of the public are advised to be on red alert this evening as a member of the public has contacted us here at the Galway COW in relation to a bunch of potential racist perverts he overheard meticulously planning what sounded like a highly organised activity.

The group, we have been told, were talking in detail about “flashing” and complaining that the “white balance” and “contrast” wasn’t right and that they planned “to work on that” so as to “improve things”. This, the public member told us, sounded very distressing. Continue reading “Public Alert: Racist Perverts Overheard in City Centre Pub?”

Limerick Through A Lens

Frazzled from not sleeping and bursting for a leak, I arrive at my city centre B+B to a pleasant woman who greets me in a lyrical accent such that makes me think the city could have no better name.

I’m here to capture the city on camera by photographing the marathons, the Riverfest,  and the night life. As it stands I’ve missed the start of the marathon and the start of the half-marathon. I hastily organise my camera and bag, punch O’Connell Street into Google maps, and look in horror at the estimation of it being 37 minutes walk to get there. It’s currently 1.50 so I estimate that I have about 15 minutes to get to the finish line to capture the half-marathon winners. Continue reading “Limerick Through A Lens”

Great Limerick Run 2016: “Waste of a Good Day’s Drinking,” says local.

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The Great Limerick Run today saw 14,000 people take to the streets to undertake the various races of which it is comprised. It includes a full marathon, a half marathon, and a six mile race.

Every runner has their own unique reason to run: some run to win, some run because of peer pressure, some run to raise money for charity, and some run to motivate themselves to shed a few pounds so as to become a slimmer, sexier version of themselves.

There is great support along the route and some spectators observe the goings on while swilling a few cans of cider. I encountered two such supporters along the route who were roaring, encouragingly, “C’mon lads, dig deep, dig deep.” Impressed by this obvious enthusiasm, I asked the men what they thought of the race, to which the swift reply was, “Waste of a good day’s drinking!” This was followed by much guffawing, as if the fellow believed himself to have made a very good joke.

Negative commentaries aside, it is clear that the participants in the race were having a good time with some participants minding their children and catching up with friends while going the distance. It just goes to show that there are in fact enough hours in the day if one is simply good at multitasking, which clearly many Limerick women are.

The full marathon was won by  40 year old Martin Doody from Caherdavin, Co Limerick. The first woman home was Dublin’s Ciara Hickey, with Peter Somba winning the 6 mile race.

It is clear, however, that most participants couldn’t give a fudge about the winners and were merely out to have a good time.

Galway COW news, reporting live from Limerick.

Trees and ADHD

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It has been scientifically proven by leading experts in the field of Treeology that humans are, in fact, evolved from trees.

Dr Treesdum of the Scientific Institute of Treeology explained his theory at a recent conference in Treeburg. According to him, all character flaws are not in fact flaws, but are all rooted in how far evolved from trees that each individual is. To illustrate this, he states, “ADHD is not actually a medical condition that needs to be treated with highly toxic drugs,  but is actually a branch of evolutionary progress which, in times long past, was essential to mankind’s progression from trees in the depths of African jungles into people in the Northern Hemisphere.” He explains, “Some people, like trees, are forever rooted to the same spot and are excellent candidates for factory work, shop work, office work, or any other job that effectively requires that a person stay in the same place for extended periods of time.” He went on, “The roots of what we call ADHD may have actually been a genetic mutation which triggered trees to shed their roots and explore further in their environment. There can be no doubt that this evolution led to the discovery of America, Australia, and basically anywhere else on earth that isn’t Africa.”

When asked to elaborate further, he said, “While the ADHD gene caused trees, and subsequently people, to uproot themselves and explore other countries, it is now of a somewhat problematic nature since the furthest regions of the world are now overpopulated and it’s now more evolutionarily advantageous to carry the gene for being rooted to the spot, since most modern means of survival involve this kind of stationary existence.” He stressed, “ADHD is not a medical condition to be treated with drugs but one which needs to be understood as something which evolution, at one point, favoured.”

When asked where his crazy theory originated, he said, “When I began my studies in biology, I was startled by how visually similar the branches of nerves and lung tissue were to trees which had lost all of their leaves. They say trees are ‘the lungs of the earth’ and it’s hardly a coincidence, but we now know that the truth is so much more than this.”

He concluded by saying, “While the current state of the world is difficult for people with ADHD, such people should not lose hope, ” he continued, “ADHD will again become a crucial part of human evolution, and afflicted persons will no doubt be perfect candidates for space exploration.”